Each death is obtained by a sense reaction
no slower than a brilliantly cushioned pin, the fields nearby yet distant
suspended within some giant teardrop. People walk out into the fields and have
no recollection of how they came to be back in their rooms, children speak with
the voices of animals, animals take to their burrows, their tree stumps, their
caves and sleep our lives away. Because you are beautiful and your skin is
quintessence of fiery mist the objects surrounding bewilder themselves. What is
a piano doing there? What is that hinged glass reflecting a sky which doesn’t
correspond to the sky glimpsed through the window above your flowing flowering
hair? Each time, pause then replay, your mouth opens and you make that
incriminating sound generating the minimal narrative creating a space on this
earth for you. Then we’ll walk into a stormy sentence. There is a philosophical
problem which can perhaps best be expressed as a problem of the intrinsic (and not
the philosophical problem of an intrinsic). I notice at your wrists little
clumps of eczema, gently raised, and seen close up a minimal rash resembling
goose bumps on the insides of your thighs. If buildings appear to sway with the
storm then buildings will sway with the sentence, ourselves cognitively assured
in our repeatable annihilations.
The year has drifted and the fields stand flat and dull
against a formulaic text. What terrible things did they do to you to make you
so unhappy? What terrible things did they do to you to make you so happy? Now
your face is becoming flushed, your most delicate skin raised or erased. In
many consciousnesses there’s an idea of a few young people in simple clothes
and down at heel shoes dancing while a beat up truck rattles through grisaille
streets. An old man with a mole’s face jumps from the truck. He walks like his
legs are being broken. The wind wanders through a church tower nudging its
bell. The young people stamp their feet and shout; I observe how when night
enters the room it shuts your eyes afraid they’ll overwhelm it. “But nothing so
beautiful / as the earth on dope” (Stephen Rodefer, Four Lectures). I’ll never dare not to converse with you, and
there’s that supplementary asymmetry to mourn (unnamed though not unnameable).
You repeat your actions under the beat of wings, terrible glittering eyes look
down upon you estimating the risks involved in tearing you apart. The mannequin
falls from the chimney, no the mannequin falls straight down the chimney. Then
shoots back up again and becomes your lover with her razor sharp lips. No uses
for sundials therefore.
Next they’ll give you a sonic machine. Bees, drowsily buzzing
among honeysuckle. The sough of sands sucking in seas. Clouds sighing as they
puff out your cheeks. The theory of texts is essentially a theory of movement.
Essentially a theory of texts is the theory of movement. You were born in a
place so sleepy its name is the sound of radios vanishing with the leaves. Then
you packed your bags and headed for New York. I’ve never been to New York and
there it was I met you. There was a thunderstorm and I took off my coat and
held it over you to protect your hair, a quintessence of burning autumn leaves,
from getting wet. We raced along Fulton Street and you said we don’t know our
own names. I’ll learn to play guitar for you, I’ll lie abed all day carving
your name into my torso. There’s someone at the door. For centuries it was as
if the theory of texts was essentially a theory of repetition, whenever the
theory of the text wasn’t essentially a theory of repetitions. Rachel says she
remembers that song from when she was five or six. Her mother wore blue jeans
and a black silk blouse. The perfume from her mother’s blouse. The dog squatted
to shit on the lawn. Her father made a home movie. Rachel looks at the ceiling
and the sonic machine is flower maidens their song transposed through a moonlit
curtain.
In the sun and no rain the dog’s turd hardens. It’s August,
children play with a hose soaking themselves and laughing and running and
tumbling over in our arms. I look at Rachel beside me in our bed which floats
on a placid sea. The skin of her face is slightly reddened, her pale body edges
towards invisibility, I lose hold of the windowsill and fall ages to my death. Rachel
puts her legs up under her and scratches her belly. I fucking itch she says. “They are seated along the sea-coast,
encompassed toward the land with huge and steepie mountaines, having betweene
both, a hundred leagues or thereabout of open and champaine ground” (Michel
Eyquem de Montaigne, Of the Caniballes translated John
Florio). On the hard pavement cops gather round Rachel’s shattered body.
There’s not a mark on her, not a bruise or scratch, no blood, only popular music
pouring from her mouth. The cops take photographs of the sleeping Rachel and
immediately turn into blind worms which crawl up her legs towards her sex. We
went to the seaside on a trip from London. I dropped my ice cream and cried and
understood that I would always be unhappy. I went up to my knees in the chilly
waves then ran back to my parents waiting for me on the shingle. Then we went
home and that was the last I remember.
“You are nothing but an academic exercise” (from the text
for Luciano Berio’s Sinfonia movement
4). Yearning for home. The cartoon has little dogs on bicycles with little
puppy dogs running alongside wagging their tails and yapping. You shake with
fear, afraid of the shadows the shadows throw. First thought was they were rags
until they shook themselves into the form of an old man in a doorway. Theory of
forms. Rachel knows how to read the words on the side of the building before
rain washes them away. Fuck it gets boring. The movement of the text is
unalterable. First she crawls down some steps the angel encouraging her with
sugared words. Then she opens her mouth and the incriminating sound hangs in
the clean air. The angel seizes her, wrenches her head to one side, beats her
repeatedly on her naked buttocks and on the inside of her thighs. She barks
like a little dog and the angel presents its buttocks to Rachel’s nose. The
silence in the room is what speaks, Rachel and her angel are mute as lightning.
The rags twitch in the doorway, the air in the street tastes like it arrives
direct from hell. The movement of the text reverses and yet the sequence is the
same. The little puppy dogs in the cartoon run away from the bicycling dogs and
up the stairs through an open door into a spacious, airy apartment. They lick
away Rachel’s tears and her lovely face brightens. Starlight enters through the
tall window and an invisible cimbalom plays it across the threshold.
Back at home you can’t understand why you’ve never been in this place before. An uncanny
couple who resemble lampposts call you their child and play general knowledge
games with you. As soon as they are asleep you make for the back door, climb
onto an overturned flower pot and haul yourself over the fence. Your hands
become tangled in barbwire and you can’t help but cry out. Your entire family
stands there, watching you with all the solemnity of effigies defaced by
iconoclasts. Rachel cries out at the things the angel is doing to her. Pale
green waves deepening to dark grey. Seabirds shrieking and hallooing, a
solitary dog diving in and out of the waves. Whenever Rachel isn’t here
dimension collapses. The bookshelves jumble up against my desk, the fields flap
thinly inside the curtains. And I get that weird sensation where tears are
running down the inside of my face. Then you understand that the moment the
present passes it had never existed. All your memories are simply a trick of
the future which is the trick the present plays upon itself as soon as it passes
itself on the street, or in the fields, or in a room where again Rachel
descends some steps on hands and knees the monotonous scripture beginning for
the last and first time again.
"We embrace all, but we fasten nothing but wind."
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